ARCHIVE: (Re) Balancing Act

*** This entry was originally posted to LiveJournal July 19, 2010 ***


So, how am I feeling at the moment?

1. scared
2. sad
3. angry
4. ashamed
5. happy

Ah cool--I've got all five of the basic emotions cooking right now. That's what we in New Warrior Circles call a "Warrior Cocktail."  (www.mankindproject.org, though I'm pretty sure you won't find that particular term on the web site).

I'm increasingly realizing just how stressed, un-centered, un-grounded, un-focused, and generally frazzled I'm feeling lately. I've had glimpses of awareness of this, but I'm seeing now that it is--and probably has been--worse than I'd realized.

Sure, there are specific stressors, but there always are and always will be. I really don't think they're the problem right now. I think the problem is that I've let myself get away from many of the things that ground me and nurture me.

The first part of the year, with my dual responsibilities in MKP along with all my usual activities, took more out of me than I think I realized at the time. When I passed off the bigger of the two roles, I reacted by pulling way, way back from pretty much everything. Ultimately I think that was a good call; I needed the break. My mistake, I think, was in being too quick to put back the stuff that keeps me "busy" and too slow to put back the stuff that keeps me grounded. I'd have been far better off reversing that order, I think. As a result of doing it the way I did, right now I feel like I'm a bit lost in noise and static and not tuned in to the proper station.

One reason for the happiness I do feel about this--apart from my happiness over recognizing it at all--is that I'm pretty certain that not long ago this kind of situation would have thrown me into a major depressive episode. That isn't happening. Though my tendencies as a stress eater are certainly coming out with a vengeance, I'm not sinking into a full-on depression the way I almost certainly would have done a few years ago. This is true even though I've been off my medication for a few years now. I am very happy about this (in your face, Big Pharma!). I feel frazzled, yes, but my overall mood is still basically good.

So, now that I have awareness of the problem, what am I going to do about it?  Well, I'm going to make a point of including more time for more of the things that ground me.

- Today I tried over lunch to find a good, peaceful spot in which to lie in the grass and just BE for a bit. I did not succeed today, but I will work that in somewhere and sometime soon, and often.

- Tonight I am setting aside my massive to-do list and spending some enjoyable, restorative time in the company of the woman I adore.

- I am leaning on the support of friends. This one is difficult for me, and I'm doing it anyway. My "mission statement" for my life is, "I create a loving world by living, teaching, and welcoming love." The "welcoming" part I added a year or so after I first created that statement, specifically because it's the part that's most difficult for me. It still is. AND, I'm doing it anyway. It helps that I have such extraordinary friends.

- I will include some more "cut loose" fun in my life. GenCon is conveniently approaching, and that usually qualifies.

- I am consciously setting aside time to be utterly present in the place and time where I am, and just to focus on nothing but my own breathing. I have work to do on the skill of filtering out the myriad other thoughts that intrude on that focus, and I am practicing and will continue to do so.

- It has been, literally, months since I've regularly sat in a circle of men and gotten really honest with them and with myself about what's going on with me. Frankly I'd been thinking of finding a new circle to sit in for some time, and this seems like my golden opportunity to do just that. Today's Don Jones quote on my calendar is "The greatest tragedy lies not in external events but in not getting deep enough into yourself." How perfect for today, Don. Thanks. Message received--I'll fetch my shovel and bucket and resume my inward digging.

- I've never tried yoga, but it comes highly recommended to me by numerous people. I will avail myself of one of my many opportunities to give it a try.

- In contrast to the serenity of yoga, I will also take advantage of the free introductory class at one or both of the two kickboxing gyms we've found that are far closer than the one we used to go to. In addition to being an incredible workout, there are few stress relievers to compare with punching and kicking the ever-lovin' crap out of a heavy bag. I do miss that. So I will stop missing it and resume doing it.

- I will continue to work on my house and to make it into a space that relaxes and recharges me, instead of just a generator of to-do list items. That shift will largely take place within the volume of my own skull.

- Doing this, just typing this out and putting it out there for myself (and yes, you too) to see, seems to be helpful.

I know there is some really wonderful and powerful stuff that lives in me, and that can and does come out when I let it. I feel sad that it so often seems that the second I divert my attention from keeping clear the pathways between that wonderful, powerful stuff and my own life as well as the outside world, my shadowy, unconscious pieces bulldoze over those pathways with all manner of dirt and debris. My attention has been diverted for a while now, so there is a lot of accumulated debris choking those pathways down to a trickle. It's time to set about clearing them again.

It's easy to become angry with those parts of myself that want to shut down my--and the world's--access to the good stuff I carry inside of me. And okay, I *am* angry with them. If there's one thing I've learned, though, it's that trying to fight against parts of myself is an exercise that is doomed to failure. Those parts of me may be misguided and may currently be counterproductive, but they're there and they're part of me and they exist because at least at one time they were useful to me in some way. So if I want them to stop being counterproductive, the secret is not to battle them in an attempt to destroy them (that would, by definition, be self-destructive). The secret is to make them a place at the "banquet table" of my psyche, put my arm around them, and lovingly ask them what it is they want and how they think they're serving me. Once I've learned that, the task is to find a way to get them what they want in a different way, and to put their skills to use in ways that are productive to me now. I've had great success with that technique before. It seems time to bring it to bear again now.

Lest I sound like I'm suffering from multiple personality disorder, I speak of these facets of my psyche as distinct entities from my conscious self only as a metaphor. They're all me; they're as much me as is the thinking, feeling, conscious part of me that is typing this now.

So that's the plan. Right now I'm off to get started by meeting the woman I adore for dinner. That will, no doubt, be a really good start.