The Life of Doug, in its Platonic Ideal Form

Well, not exactly. But almost.

Last week I had the idea to write a description of what my life would look like if I were living it exactly as I want. For me, this exercise had two purposes. First, I have a difficult time acknowledging and articulating my own wants and this seemed like a good way to practice doing that. Second, I often find myself feeling overwhelmed by the degree to which some aspects of my life are not going according to my ideal vision for what my life can be. With this exercise, I reasoned, I could:  a) see how I think my ideal life might look, b) identify the areas that are already working well and the areas in which a gulf exists between the current situation and my ideal, and c) from there prioritize the areas that have gaps and for each area either develop an action plan for how to get closer to the ideal OR make a conscious choice not to act on changing it just yet.

Since then the list has been a work in progress. I've been adding to it as I've thought of items to add. I could continue adding to it forever, I suppose, but that would just in itself become another way to heap shame, negative judgments, and insurmountable tasks upon myself, which would miss the point. I think I have plenty to get started on. So here's the list as it stands. Again, I'm already quite good at some of these things. Others.....less so.

IF I WERE LIVING MY LIFE IN THE "IDEAL" WAY:

I would take good care of myself by:
Eating proper amounts of proper stuff, with the benefits of managing my weight, avoiding diabetes, and keeping my cholesterol in control
Exercising regularly (at least 5 X a week), incorporating resistance and cardio
Getting regular medical and dental care
Getting sufficient sleep, with my CPAP machine
Keeping a regular schedule of sleeping and eating
Incorporating regular mental health practice
Getting my hair cut regularly, on a set number of weeks

I would get to a place at which I could safely go back off my meds.

I would foster and nurture my relationships with my daughter, brother, and mother.

I would cook at home often—and I would cook FOR people.

I would be in an I-group, and I would have a mentor and a court of support.

I would engage in communities of friends, of shared interests, of fellow neighborhood residents, and of New Warriors and other men.

I would make recreational activities—doing theatre, playing games, reading, even travel—an integral part of my life.

I would have something concrete and definable that I would do to make the world better and to live my mission. I would have an identifiable way of being of service to the world.

I would be unwilling to fully subjugate my own wants and needs when I’m in a relationship, so that being in that relationship could expand me rather than limit me; I would be equipped to be in a relationship that is a partnership of equals, working together and also fully supporting each other’s individual wants, dreams, goals, visions, growth, and missions.

I would speak my mind and my heart, even when in doing so I feared disappointing or hurting people I care about.

I would have effective ways to integrate that part of me that carries the “not good enough” judgment, so that it doesn't “run the show” of my life.

I would keep my house in good shape—not neatnik-level (that's just not who I am) but in good shape. Specifically:
I would clean out the office, the garage, and the master bath, making them into useable spaces
I would continue decorating and improving to make the space my own nurturing, creative, restorative, welcoming environment
I would welcome my friends into my home, and they and I would feel good about their being there

I would be the sort of man upon whom my friends know they can rely for anything at any time—-and I would create and hold boundaries to keep myself safe from stretching myself too thin.

I would change the perception among my friends that they shouldn’t contact me because I’m “so busy.”

I would manage my money effectively, so that all my bills would get paid on time (including the ones that aren’t on auto-pay), so that I would continue to build savings, and so that I could do a reasonable amount of what I want to do.

I would further explore my capacity for leadership.

I would explore and learn about philosophy (religion, masculinity, etc.) and psychology, at least avocationally, giving the thoughts and opinions I have on these topics an ever-expanding foundation.

I would know "man" skills such as basic automotive repair, fire-building, and other survival skills.

I would know how to be violent and lethal (boxing, martial arts, firearms) even as I intend never to be.

I would be fluent in at least one other language.

I would acknowledge and articulate what I want, and I would trust myself with that desire and its fulfillment.