ARCHIVE: What Am I Not Seeing?

*** This entry was originally posted to LiveJournal September 11, 2007 ***


What is that piece that I keep missing and/or avoiding?

These days, I consider myself to be fairly high-functioning.

- My relationships, in general, are going very well and are immensely fulfilling.

- I get good feedback from the people close to me that indicates that they experience me the way I intend to show up.

- My depression is, I judge, well-managed. Those old feelings and thought patterns come up very rarely, and when they do I realize pretty much immediately that they are a skewed perception of reality and that I don't have to listen to them. Therefore, the rare bouts I do have with these feelings and thoughts are shallow and brief.

- I'm taking much better care of myself physically than I have in a long time. I'm almost 40 pounds lighter than I was in mid-February of this year, and I'm not just lighter--I'm also a lot more fit and toned than I've been since college when John Martin and I were in the weight room every day.

AND, there's still something down there that's creating some counter-productive, "stuck" kind of crap. I can sense it, I just can't yet put my finger on it except through what I judge to be its set of collective outer effects.

- I STILL carry my "background count" of fear more or less all the time.

- Sometimes my relationships misfire horribly. Like a few weeks ago, for example. And once again, the first place it showed up (or at least, the first place I got called on it) was with Barbara. Bless her for her ability and willingness to do that, AND why should she keep having to?

- I avoid going to my I-group a lot lately, and when I do go (or when I'm in the presence of other people whom I judge may call me on my shit, such as Barbara) I tend to gloss over and act like everything's fine instead of going deep into honesty about this stuff. I can FEEL myself do that, and it makes my skin crawl, and yet I persist in doing it.

- I still have reasonably regular dreams about my father. Most recently I dreamed that I was pleading with him--pleading, in a way I'd never do with anyone in real life--to do an NWTA. What the hell?

- I've long recognized that I have pieces of work to do around Dad, and I dare say Mom too, and yet I don't do that work.

- While I do note that my angry charge around the whole god thing has diminished since I "came out" as an atheist, it is still there and I still don't really look at it.

- I still procrastinate in lots of other areas, too. Such as with reading The Sedona Method and Do What You Are.

- I have difficulty remaining focused, and I don't show up at work in ways that are becoming to a warrior.

- I still haven't, and won't, look at what I want to do about finding a passion to pursue--whether or not that means a career change.

WHAT AM I AFRAID OF? WHAT IS THIS PIECE THAT I'M NOT SEEING, AND WHY AM I AVOIDING IT SO?

Usually when I have a piece of work to do, there's a "hook" or some thought or experience or feeling that I can grab onto in order to begin to dig. With this piece, with whatever is underlying all of that crap I just listed, I have trouble even finding that hook. When I'm in a place in which I could try using the Dad piece or the Mom piece or the god piece or some other piece to start digging, the energy around that piece I can name dissipates. That tells me that there's something in me that doesn't want to start digging into those pieces, and my intuition tells me THAT'S because I'm afraid of what I'll find at the other end of that line.

I'm very busy these days. AND, that's just one more way of keeping myself distracted. Damn it! As good as my life has become because of the work I've already done, how much more potential remains to be unlocked if I would just let go of hiding from myself and GET IN THERE and start bucketing out this part of the pond?

I have an NWTA to staff NEXT MONTH. I judge that I have an added responsibility to do my work because of that. Hell, maybe that's why I chose to apply. Maybe I wanted to give myself this additional piece of motivation/boot in the ass.

This entry isn't a bucketful either. At best it's maybe a thimble. It is, however, an honest sharing about where I am around this at this moment, and it's yet another place in which I've put out the intention to dig out this elusive piece. It's another way to hold myself accountable to *doing* it instead of merely *talking* about it.