Okay, so it's an Alanis Morissette song. I know that these days she's usually only mentioned in jokes about her almost-totally-lacking-in-irony song "Isn't it Ironic?"
There is the instance of verbal irony when the man who'd been afraid to fly says "Well isn't this nice?" as the plane crashes, and I suppose one could argue the meta-irony of having a song about irony be so lacking in actual irony. But I digress.
Anyway, I have been thinking about this particular Alanis Morissette song.
My therapist and I have worked out that in order to learn what I have thus far never learned about succeeding in love, I will seek what he calls a "corrective experience." That is to say, a relationship with someone who will be willing to help me learn to trust her enough to open my whole heart to her. It's a tall order and a huge risk for this as-yet-hypothetical person (and for me too, of course), but I think this is one of those things I can only learn by doing it. And in the interest of full disclosure, she'll need to know that she's dealing with a man who has not only never fully opened himself up to anyone, but also always vigorously avoided doing so and is still very much a beginner when it comes to how to do that or what it looks like.
So the prospect of, at some point, starting a relationship with someone in a radically new way than any way I've done before fills me with hope and excitement on one hand, and with utter, abject terror on the other.
It's that hopeful, excited side that has brought this song to mind.
Alanis' list and mine would differ somewhat. I don't know exactly what would be on mine yet, though it's intriguing to consider. I just know it wouldn't look exactly like hers. It's the spirit of the song that appeals to me. In particular, her assertion (mostly to herself, as I interpret it) "I figure I can describe it since I have a choice in the matter" really resonates with me.
Too often in the past, I have sought out women whose hearts were--in one way or another--not fully available to me, because I subconsciously knew that I wouldn't "have to" make mine fully available to them either. I'm certainly not blaming those women for my lack of success in relationships; I'm saying that one of the ways I can get a different and better result is by making different and better choices around the kind of woman with whom I connect. Part of the "corrective experience" model is that if I am to learn to open up, I'll almost certainly need a woman who already knows how.
So that's why I've had this song in my mind over the past couple of days. Here is the lyric:
"21 Things I Want in a Lover" - Alanis Morissette
Do you derive joy when someone else succeeds?
Do you not play dirty when engaged in competition?
Do you have a big intellectual capacity but know
That it alone does not equate wisdom?
Do you see everything as an illusion,
But enjoy it even though you are not of it?
Are you both masculine and feminine? Politically aware?
And don't believe in capital punishment?
These are 21 things that I want in a lover
Not necessarily needs but qualities that I prefer.
Do you derive joy from diving in and seeing that
Loving someone can actually feel like freedom? Are you funny?
A la self-deprecating, like adventure, and have many formed opinions?
These are 21 things that I want in a lover
Not necessarily needs but qualities that I prefer
I figure I can describe it since I have a choice in the matter
These are 21 things I choose to choose in a lover.
I'm in no hurry; I could wait forever
I'm in no rush 'cause I like being solo
There are no worries and certainly no pressure; in the meantime
I'll live like there's no tomorrow.
Are you uninhibited in bed? More than three times a week?
Up for being experimental? Are you athletic?
Are you thriving in a job that helps your brother? Are you not addicted?
...curious and communicative...
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