[Doug, with his Inner Critic, enters into a given situation]
INNER CRITIC
So, here we are in this situation. Do you think you're doing it right? Do you think other people notice how out of place you are/look/act?
ME
I don't know, I'm just being me. I think everything's okay. Don't you?
INNER CRITIC
There, that thing you just did/said right there. Wasn't that awkward? Do you think that was the right thing to do/say?
ME
Well no, I didn't think there was anything wrong with it. Why, was it a problem?
INNER CRITIC
Do you really think you're doing this right?
ME
Well now I'm not sure anymore. Am I?
INNER CRITIC
No. No you aren't. Not at all. And every other person in the room knows it.
ME
Damn.
[End Scene]
The biggest problem with this is that each neuron I devote to the Inner Critic and to this dialogue is one neuron fewer that I have available to actually function in the situation. The resulting distraction of paying attention to this dialogue makes it a self-fulfilling prophecy--because I'm paying attention to the Inner Critic and not to the situation at hand and the people in it, I am less than fully present and sometimes I *do* end up doing and/or saying things that are weird or awkward or ill-suited.
As with so many other situations, I think the key to stopping this inner dialogue is mindfulness. Being engaged in the current place and time and with the current company rather than lost in a swirl of inner thoughts and feelings.
I'm reminded of Yoda's complaint to Obi Wan about Luke: "Never his mind on where he was....what he was doing!"
If I can keep my mind on where I am, on what I'm doing, and on with whom I'm doing it, then I hope I can stop handing the wheel of the bus to the Inner Critic, who is full of assertions that I'm not doing it right but devoid of constructive suggestions for how to do it better.
Nice work on the part of the Inner Advisor at the end there! :-)
ReplyDeleteFWIW, I think another angle you could take simultaneously with the mindful-of-the-moment-ness is working on the Inner Critic, or at least on the power he has over you. Self-acceptance is the Force in this context, I think. Maybe that's obvious, but, again FWIW, I've found that really internalizing the notion that most people are much more focused on themselves than on what I'm doing is incredibly freeing. Thus, I can dance badly but joyfully, as if no one is watching. :-)
I just read the post before this one, "Uncomfortable Realizations and 301st Birthdays," and I wanted to comment on it but it looks like the comment period has closed(?), so I'll put my comment here instead, and you can imagine that it follows that post.
ReplyDeleteWell, admitting it is the first step, right? :-) FWIW, I think what you're describing was me not too long ago. I think I started really opening up post-divorce, and I now have friends I'm basically completely unfiltered with. There is nothing like being fully seen and accepted for who one is, flaws and all. I would like to find that in a romantic relationship, one in which my openness is reciprocated, but having it with anyone is really, really good stuff.
In case it's helpful, I think self-acceptance was what got me there. Therapy is what got me self-acceptance. I think most people could use a lot more of the self-understanding and self-acceptance that comes from a long-term relationship with a good therapist. Just my 2 cents.