*** This entry was originally posted to LiveJournal April 11, 2011 ***
The other night I dreamt of a bear.
There were lots of other images in that dream, and a rather confusing, disjointed narrative. But the image that really stuck with me was that of the bear.
I've lived in Indiana all my life, and I've always taken pleasure in knowing that for over a hundred years there have been no bears nor anything else in the woods here that would consider me lunch or would be likely to actually kill me for any other reason (while at the same time I've regretted the loss to Indiana's ecosystem, just as I lament how little virgin forest remains here when that's pretty much all that used to be here). Yes, I know that a whitetail buck in season could wreck me quite handily if he wanted to, but that's always struck me as less likely than the thought that a hungry or territorial bear could decide that ripping me to pieces is a fine way to spend a couple of minutes.
Yes, I also know that there apparently are puma in Indiana again for the first time in over 150 years, and I can tell you that I feel a mixture of joy and unease about that. But that's another matter. We're talking about bears.
Bears scare the piss out of me, I'll be honest. Not to the point of phobia, I'd say, but because I'm unused to dealing with them and unused to being in places in which I would need to be conscious of the presence of bears, the thought of happening upon a defensive or predatory animal of that much size, power, tooth, and claw is highly unsettling to me. It's about where one lives and what one is used to, I suppose. By analogy, I have a healthy respect for tornadoes but they don't freak me out the way they do to some people who don't live where they tend to happen.
So in this dream, I was in someone's home in another part of the country (whose home I do not know, and my sense was that it was in the deep South) when I looked up and a big brown bear--never mind that in the South it would probably be more likely to be a black bear; this is a dream here--had suddenly come in through the door. It was about three or four feet at the shoulder--not the size of a Kodiak, but plenty damn big enough. It didn't appear angry or anything, it was just there. As if it were curious, perhaps.
Anyway, when I saw the bear I fought my urge to panic, but I did turn and start to walk away up a nearby staircase to get away from the thing. I guess everyone else in the room froze, because my movement attracted the bear's attention anyway. Before I was more than a few steps up it was on me. It stood up and put its front paws around my shoulders, grabbing me from behind. Again, never mind the un-bear-like behavior. It was a dream.
The thing is, it didn't attack. It didn't do violence at all. I was acutely aware of its mouth full of sharp teeth right by my head, and of its weight on my back (less than a real bear's would have been, but certainly noticeable), but it didn't hurt me. I knew it could have, but it didn't.
In fact, as soon as it grabbed me it seemed more like some dude in a bear suit than like an actual bear. Before long, the bear and I had reached an understanding and formed a bond. To take the dude-in-a-bear-suit piece even further, by the end of the dream the bear and I were actually conversing.
The bear-that-became-a-dude-in-a-bear-suit imagery just now struck me as particularly significant, too. See, what I think this dream meant to me is that the "bear" represented the part of me that carries the not-good-enough judgment about myself. I know that seems like a weird transition or a really long set-up, but work with me.
I've wrestled with that "not good enough" piece of me for years, and I've been more or less consciously aware of it for some time now. I've even learned that just about everything I do to get in my own way can be traced back to that piece of me. I've surmised that there is some connection between my "not good enough" piece and my ultimate fear of being rejected and abandoned. I haven't yet put all those pieces together, to see how all these pieces are connected, why they're there, and how I can deal with them more effectively.
See, the "not good enough" piece has been seriously biting me in the ass lately. I've been anxious, I've been depressed, I've been creating a highly counter-productive life for myself. In short, I've been a mess. The more optimistic parts of me think that the "not good enough" piece is coming on especially strongly right now because I'm ready to confront it and to learn a new and more effective way to deal with it.
Hence the bear that seemed terrifying, that was upon me and that enveloped me despite my efforts to avoid it, that turned out not to mean me harm, that wasn't really an actual bear at all, and that eventually proved to be on my side.
It's time to "make friends with the bear." I realize that it's time for me to face the part of me that holds the "not good enough" judgment, and ask it what it REALLY wants and work with it to get it what it wants in a more constructive way. It's time to love even the part of me that fucks me up by not believing that I deserve love--or anything else good or healthy or constructive.
I think there's more there yet to be found, but I encountered that part of me this morning--maybe for the first time--as I think it really is, without the bear suit that I have believed is a real bear. I found a very young version of me, curled into a frightened ball and burying his face in his arms. He even managed to tell me at least some of what he's trying to do for me by holding that "not good enough" belief.
He's trying to protect me from the pain of rejection and abandonment by getting me to believe that it's what I deserve, that it's what's supposed to happen. If at least it's the proper and just thing, he figures, and if I come to expect it, then it'll hurt less when it happens. So in addition to keeping me thinking that rejection and abandonment are what I deserve, he keeps me in constant anxiety, always coiled to spring when something disastrous happens. Again, he figures, it'll hurt less if I was on the lookout for it and was somehow "prepared" for it.
A second reason, that is so far less clear, why he maintains that "not good enough" belief seems to be that he believes that if I continue not to live up to my potential, then the risk of failure is less. In other words, by never climbing as high as I can I have less risk in the event of a fall. So again, he convinces me that I don't deserve to reach my potential--and/or that my potential is far less than it really is.
This is how I've lived my life. For 41 years. Sometimes this part of me has been more in control of my life and sometimes it has been less in control, but it has been there through the great majority of my childhood and all of my adult life.
I thanked him for trying to protect me, and for working so hard to do that for so long. But I also told him that I don't need him to do that for me that way anymore. I told him that I'm bigger and stronger now, and that I can take it if someone does reject and abandon me or if I fail. Yes, it'd hurt, but I can take it much better than he could. I told him that because I am bigger and stronger, not only can I manage without his protection, but also *I* can protect and take care of *him.*
I don't expect the transition will necessarily be instantaneous--that he'll give up his strategy and his belief and relinquish the role of protector just like flipping a light switch after all this time. But this is the closest thing to real progress in addressing this "not good enough" stuff I've felt in--well, maybe ever.
This morning felt like the first time in far too long that I've looked into a mirror and seen myself clearly, instead of through a haze of negative judgments.
So here's to bears! At least, to imaginary ones that turn out not to be so scary after all. Real ones still scare the piss out of me.
No comments:
Post a Comment