ARCHIVE: Self-Interview

*** This entry was originally posted to LiveJournal November 29, 2007 ***


I haven't blogged in a long time. I was aware of that even before Jess was kind enough to nudge me about it. :-) Lately at work I've been doing little else but writing use cases, so perhaps I'm weary of writing. We also got all new office furniture and rearranged the place, which now puts my cubicle directly outside my project leader's glass-fronted office. Moreover, every time I've sat down and tried to start composing a blog entry, I've drawn a blank. Apparently I haven't felt that I've had anything blog-worthy to report.

Maybe nothing's happening in my life.

That thought flashed across my mind a second ago, and I decided to type it "out loud" because right after that thought hit me, I felt a huge surge of fear go through my body. So now I guess I have something to blog about--what was that fear reaction about?

Okay . . .

So what does it mean if nothing's happening in my life?
It means either that there's lots going on and I'm hiding from it, or that I'm stagnating.

Which is it? Which possibility resonates more?
I'm stagnating. If I'm hiding, I don't see from what right now. So we'll start with stagnating.

So what does it mean if I'm stagnating?
It means I'm not growing, not getting better, not DOING anything

So what does it mean if I'm not growing, not getting better, and not DOING anything?
It could mean slipping back into the unconscious, disconnected state in which I spent most of my life and which was the source of a lot of pain and wrecked relationships. But that'd be more associated with the hiding side, and I don't think that slipping is actually going on in any major way. It also means I'm not accomplishing anything toward my goals in life.

So what does it mean if I'm not accomplishing anything toward my goals in life?
It means I could run out of time and die without getting anything significant done toward making the world better in the ways I want to.

So what would it mean if I run out of time and die without getting anything significant done toward making the world better in the ways I want to?
It would mean that I'd wasted my time here.

So what would it mean if I'd wasted my time here?
It would mean that I was all talk and no action, and that I'd chickened out of the risk involved in taking action.

So what would it mean if I were all talk and no action, and if I'd chickened out of the risk involved in taking action?
It would mean that I was worthless.

Aha. And what would it mean if I were worthless?
THAT I WOULD BE UNLOVED AND UNLOVABLE.

Mmm. Yeah. There it is. That's the one. It always seems to come back to this one, doesn't it? So if I'm unloved and unlovable, THAT would mean . . . ?
That there'd be no point to living.

Which means?
I may as well be dead, or I'm as good as dead already.

And so?
If there's nothing happening in my life, I may as well be dead.

I think I found the source of that fear reaction.

THEREFORE . . .

Would I PLEASE, for the luvva Mike, get up off my bum and get GOING on living my life already? Ecccchhhh, that sounds victim-y. REPHRASE: I am off to go make things happen in my life. Stay tuned and hang on.