An Open Letter to the Face in the Mirror

Dear Face in the Mirror,

Well, congratu-fucking-lations. You've done it again.

You got too comfortable, too excited with the notion of actually opening your heart to someone, of actually risking trusting someone with all of your heart, and you forgot to watch out for the backlash of that from that self-destructive, wounded little inner part of you. You let yourself start thinking that you had him well on the way to healing and integration. Boy, were you wrong.

That self-destructive part of you got through--just ran right the fuck past you without so much as a challenge--and you allowed it to devise and execute an experiment that could not possibly have been "better" designed to make the person in question have a difficult time dealing with you. I can only imagine that it thought it was putting her to some sort of "ultimate test" of her willingness to accept you even when you screw up in spectacular fashion. Well for one thing, tests are a terrible idea, and only self-destructive, petulant little inner toddlers would think otherwise. For another, it was way too early for such a thing even if they weren't a terrible idea. For yet another thing, there was no way you should ever have subjected her to that particular test.

I mean, that was a beaut. That self-destructive part targeted it perfectly at where it knew her sore spot lay. And you sat there and you let it fucking happen.

So well done, you. Bravo. You have in all likelihood succeeded in blowing to smithereens the best thing to come into your life in a very, very long time.

God damn it.

I hope you're happy with yourself. I suppose that self-destructive little bugger running around in there is downright delighted with himself. For my part, I'm pretty damn disgusted with the lot of us.

Even if we haven't utterly destroyed the situation, we've done damage. Significant damage. Damage that even if it isn't irreparable, can not be undone. And we are culpable for it. And we will have to live with that, whether the connection with the person in question can be healed or not.

Angrily,
Me