Not that being nice and getting along with people is necessarily or inherently bad. Of course it isn't. The problem is that I have tended to tip the scales much too far in that direction. I have--consciously or unconsciously--tried to manipulate and control people by acquiescing to their wants and whims far more than I have honored my own. I have wanted so badly for them to like me that I have given up a lot of me in order to "please" them. This ends up not working for them or for me.
So I'm certainly not suggesting that the solution to that problem is to become a total dick. However, I think it is useful to tap into that part of me that the "Nice Guy" would consider a dick. And it is possible that before I can find balance between the "Nice Guy" and this other part of me, the pendulum might swing for a while to being overbalanced in the dickish direction, while I continue learning to explore this part of me and to let it out.
This part of me could go by many names: the Wildman (in Jungian/Robert Moore terms), the "Bad Boy" (in popular culture terms), the Ancestral Caveman (in biological terms). One of the names this part of me has been going by lately is "James D." because it is a form of my name that sounds like the name of iconic screen "Bad Boy" James Dean.
So what are the qualities of "James D.?" What traits does he have that I could put to constructive use?
- He isn't worried about what others think of him
- He says exactly what he thinks
- He assumes that he is a prize women will want (this is constructive not as a womanizing piece, but rather as a self-esteem and a not-needing-to-seek-approval piece)
- He knows he deserves to take good care of himself and his physical conditioning and appearance
- He also isn't the least bit afraid to look scruffy when the situation calls for it
- He trusts himself
- He dives all the way in; no half-measures or tentativeness
- He won't start a fight, but he is ready for one and he knows he'll finish it
- He takes the lead
- He expresses his wants, even if he thinks they might disappoint someone else
- He bucks the establishment and social norms when they don't work for him
- He is loyal--to his "gang," to his "girl," and to himself
- He protects what's his
- He is handy, skillful, and self-reliant
- He doesn't worry; he is resourceful, and he knows that whatever comes his way he will be all right
- He doesn't use unconscious or conscious manipulation to get people to like him--either by moving toward them as "Nice Guy" does, moving away from them as "The Withdrawer" does, or moving against them as "The Controller" does; he is his own, differentiated person even when he chooses to be in connection with someone else; he doesn't lose himself in relationship with others
These are all things I'm learning to do. The lessons are underway. It's time for a lot less "Nice Guy" and a lot more "James D"/"Iron John"/"Caveman"/"Bad Boy."
great post
ReplyDeletei ultimately believe the cultural value judgments that most of us internalize when we're young
have to be evicted from the premises of our psyche as we mature
then we can more fully enjoy being who we really are
Great blog, and very interesting post! As a former (or perhaps "recovering"?) people-pleaser, I can certainly relate. I hadn't thought of people-pleasing as manipulative, but I can see how it can be, particularly if it's used as ammunition, as one guy I dated did. ("I did that for you, now YOU have to do this for me!" kind of thing.)
ReplyDeleteMy main reaction, though, is that I don't think the polar ends of the spectrum (Nice Guy or Dick) are the main choices. In fact, I don't think most of your list of character traits smacks of either.
FWIW, my own experience suggests that the trick is to integrate the various parts of one's personality, to have the full set of tools to draw upon as appropriate. For example, self-confidence is always valuable but it's good to care (though perhaps not to "worry") about others' reactions. Honesty and directness are also hugely valuable, but of course there are times when silence or sugar-coating are more prudent. You get the idea.
I tend to be prone to "black or white"-type thinking myself, but I've found that as I've stopped aspiring for perfection/extremes I've become much more clear on who I am and quite happy with that person.
Just my 2 cents. Again, great blog.